Miss Me

Right now, I need you to miss me.
That's how I keep you here with me.
I want this moment to hit me.
I need this moment to hit me.

---------------------
Live in love.

Calling Home

hey i never doubted in the first place
i'd say that everything is gonna be alright
cause you and i are in this mess together
and nothing good or bad can last forever

we're calling it home
but oh no, we're alone
and i've been feeling this way
everywhere that i go
if this isn't home
then i know we should rest
because home is where you make it
and we're not there yet

hey i tend to focus on the upside
someday i'm pretty sure that it'll all be fine
cause i can't sleep if you're not feeling better
and i know we both lie awake together

if this is my home
then it goes where you go

.................
Live in love.

This thing is in need of an update.

I spend days and days and days in love. And I think about only a few things these days. How I want to survive this semester (almost done), how I always want to be with her, and The Title. New songs are pouring out lately, one done last week and another most likely this week, and plenty of ideas inside my head.

I'm making a vocal booth in my room for future recording, this excites me greatly.

The next batch of songs is slowly coming to the surface, and all I've heard are good things from everyone - it's a bit more real sounding, like traditional title but with room for guitars and bass and actual drums (which is how I made all the drums sound in the new tunes).

I worry way too much about how it's going to come out - everyone loves the stuff, as far as I can tell, but I'm always worried lately that the new stuff won't be as well received. Granted I'm pushing us in a much more accessible direction (namely a less severe electronic feel versus pop rock), it's so different for me and all of our fans, that any reaction will be a surprise to me.

I live in love, and would like that written on my body somewhere. That's my latest thought.
I want my entire arm to be bird shaped windows with a night sky behind them, and live in love tattooed somewhere on my body - perhaps on my right side, written along the arms of my first tattoo.

Thoughts.
Hope this gets read.
Hope we don't get signed and have to run away.
Hope everyone likes the new stuff.
Hope my roommate will stop snoring.

Oh yeah,
And i bought a skateboard.
:)

Live in love.

I don't know

How to fall asleep on my own anymore.

My friends and family are gold.

I hope this band takes off, so that every single person who has given us a little extra help or support along the way can get from us what they really deserve.

I love you all.

And in other news...

"Cause with you by my side, everything else feels like it will be fine."

Yeah.

Holy Shit Crap.

Allow me to be vulgar.

I'm freezing my ears off right now - I might get earmuffs for this winter. Seasonally retarded as I am, I chopped about 7 inches of hair off my head on Saturday. I fucking love it. I put it up in a fauxhawk and it totally looks like shark hair. It's totally a tuff guy haircut, which makes me get an even bigger kick out of it.

I've had long hair for like 4 years, and the last time I changed it (i.e. the growing out of my hairz) I did so for a change of pace. This time it's just to throw me off, along with everyone I know. The record so far for someone not recognizing me is like 20 seconds.

I'm listening back to older Title stuff - I did a written interview for someone tonight and it asked about band roots and such.
What's totally bizzare? Stuff from Making a Scene is FAR from the most current material we have. In fact, I'm already writing the next EP (due out in like March).

I have music explosions, and then I can't keep in the new stuff. Tis exciting regardless. I sense more breakdowns coming.

Muahaha.

:)

You can see deeper into me than even I can.

All of your love is all that I need.

:)

I feel...

...as though I actually have a higher capacity for love than I used to. It's as if I walked the same way each day for as long as I could remember, and suddenly I found a much more scenic and gratifying route to the same end.

I love doing things for the one I love, I love being with the one I love, I love everything about the person.

I'm a big sap.

That's a side effect haha.

...and sometimes we coincide.

Progression

So I decided to release the new songs and the Plectronics remake together as "The Progression EP". It comes out Oct. 1 on CD, and Oct. 19 on iTunes. I feel like it's just awesome in comparison to the "Title EP", and it shows how far I've come with mixing and recording and so on.

It's a collection of my favorites. I love every song on it, and am extremely happy with the final product. It's got the biggest mix too - some "go fuck yourself" material, a love song, and some ultimatum-esque tunes.

This is the fourth album available on itunes. I checked out my iTunes library, and I have 31 different tracks of title including remakes and bsides which we never released. It's like my job - I love what I do too haha.

Every song is going to hit at least one person, hard. That's how I wanted it. Hopefully everyone gets it.

...and sometimes, we coincide.

Shitstorms.

It's way too easy to cause an uproar. Everyone's favorite songs are the "fuck you" ones. I write for me, and occasionally one other person. If I'm proud of it, I'll show it to people.

Subject matter is over and done with. I could give a shit about the majority of the song - it had been done as an acoustic track for well over six months. I didn't tell anybody it was about ANYONE. I merely dedicated it to someone close to me, figuring it would help.

As for the bridge,

He stepped out of line.

I'm just rebalancing the scale.

This is getting ugly.

I love you.

I love you.

You're my very best friend, no matter what anyone says, and nothing you do, and no choice you could make, will change that.

I love you.

I'll be home soon. I know you all miss me, but I'm far from gone.

I love you.

Everything is going to be okay. I need you in my life just like you need me. Tomorrow will make a world's difference for you. It will be harder to leave, but we will survive.

I really mean it.

Don't worry - everything really is going to be okay,

Even if it's a little hard right now.

Closeness

An hour might as well be a year if you can't be with someone who needs it, especially if you want nothing more than to be there. It more than seems like a year - the need makes it either a there or not sort of thing. Yes or no, on or off.
I miss you.

...and sometimes, we coincide.

I suck

At keeping up on this thing lately. Five big steps forward for cleanliness and I can breathe easier in this house, then someone leaves hair all over the damn sink.

These are my micro-problems as of late.

I found that when people can't influence an entire entity or situation, they break it down into little pieces, and claim one piece to watch over. I couldn't clean the whole house, so I decided to clean my room. I couldn't clean my whole room, so I've claimed my desk and bed as sacred holds against filth and negligence. If there's crap on here, it damn well better be mine.

Thoughts.
If you take complete control over anything, you limit the amount of actions which can occur without your direct input. The hard part is finding a balance so that you don't remove the possibility of worthwhile contributions by other parties.

The Title is recording full band. I technically still hold creative control, but I don't want to squash anyone. I'm really, really, really anxious to hear it.

More thoughts.
I wrote off a person or two for my writing, and have tried to keep everything on a different page. My patience is being tried. It's almost worth coming out with, but I'd rather not give the pleasure.

Reworking an old song.
Hopefully it'll be done soon.
:)

...and sometimes, we coincide.

Packing

My life in bins and boxes.
I don't know where my sox is.

It doesn't really rhyme, but I'm cool with that.
I move back tomorrow and my mind is blown that summer is over. I never stopped moving, for 4 straight months. Time to kick back and relax.
Oh wait, nope I have really hard school coming up.
FML.

I can't wait anyway.
See you tomorrow, Stevens!

I designed a hoodie.

The "Altitude Hoodie" is up for sale in our webstore. I did it from scratch using illustrator, just to learn the program. I'm pretty happy with how it came out.
You can order one by clicking here if you'd like.

I woke up two hours away from here.
We slept together with our hearts in between us.
We held tight to one another to protect them and keep them warm.
I just wanted you to know mine stays when I go home.
I fell asleep two hours from you.

Plectronics

I went back and redid the very first Title song today. I tore the track to pieces, and rebuilt it from the ground up. I did it the right way, the way I didn't know how a year ago. Sept 16 will be the one year anniversary of The Title, and I felt like the song was deserving of a second time around.

I put 10 hours into the track after it was first done, to get it ready for the EP. I put 10 more hours into it today, and it's beautiful. New instruments, drums, mixing, vocals, sequencing, fucking everything. It's shiny and new.

We took the impersonality out of our myspace. We no longer automatically approve people adding us, and we comment back everyone we can. We went from 930 plays last night to 3200+ tonight. I think I know what we were missing.

I sent our stuff to a whole bunch of my closest friends today, in efforts to get it out there further.

We're approaching our anniversary. I want The Title to have a 1year to remember.

Hardcore kids

Don't like us.
I still love TKTK for inviting us BUT...
Tonight was a really really weird show for us - it was ALL hardcore bands except for us, and we were not very well received, except by people who knew us or our tunes already.
We did play burn it down though, which was really fun.


Tonight I was surrounded by people I used to know.
I exchanged pleasantries while noting how fucked up it felt.
I love 1/10 of you guys.

My line tonight
"Thanks so much for watching!
If you don't like us,
...fuck you. We're playing anyway."

New song done!

It's called Fix This, and it's not about anyone or anything in particular. Just a general "no thanks". Last night I drank water bottles at a little party and had insults thrown at me for my attire and my music. I responded quickly and a fight almost ensued. The cool thing is, there were a bunch more people who like me and my music than the one kid who didn't, so they pushed him out of the room and made him leave.

Weirdness.

Updates.

I suck bad at staying on top of this thing. I've not spent more than 4 days in one place since I got back from tour. It was almost like we never got home, and I was cool with that. If I could bring a handful of people with me I would totally stay out for now.

This is coming from someone who spent less than two weeks out there, but everyone who went agrees that life on the road is really fucking hard, but really fucking fun. It's like the ideal lifestyle for what I want to do, and coming back to the real world is hard after that. You're more likely to watch what you say and do (not that I was out of my mind on tour, mind you), since you see the people here all the time. You're less likely to try new and exciting things, because it's just another day here.

I'm sitting thinking about everything that's happened since I wrote my last one of these, on my brother and sisters' birthday. I spent 3 days with the girl I love right after 5 with my family, and it made for one of the best 8 day stretches of time in recent memory.

I'm also planning our next tour already. Will we go north, south, or west this winter? We're pretty covered with friends and family a few hours' reach in each direction. [This would be a good time for random readers to suggest a direction].

Tie me to a compass and spin me around. I'll walk it.

I'm listening to the music for the next title song. It's all done, and I fucking love it. I want to show everyone, but not until like JANUARY! It's almost like a dirty secret that will get out and everywhere if I let it go. Burn it Down is already in the hands of literally 100+ people I used to go to school with.

There's no fucking surprises anymore.
I love life.

Home and safe

Safe and sound.

I'd rather be risking my life on the road again haha. Not seeing her was the only thing that I hated on tour - if I could bring Ang along, I'd hit the road forever. We have everything we need now to do it again, especially noting a van that is in almost perfect condition due to the huge repairs we did on it.

I had some really rough times down the east coast, but in retrospect that was some of the most fun I had over the whole trip too. The scariest moments are now the best stories, and they brought us the closest. The easy times were awesome too, but I find myself talking way less about great shows than chaos and getting lost or struck by lightning or whatnot.

I can't believe acoustic songs I wrote have brought us across the US, made us known around the world, and sold enough copies to support our tour effort.

This is a scattered blog, but it's a lot to think about.

Last note.
I love making someone's day. I dump myself into the effort, and when it works nothing is more satisfying. Making something worth it for someone else is always worth it for me as well.

Everything does mean something.

Updates.

I found my shirt!
Mike packed it up without noticing.

We're on our way north!
We will be home Sunday night.

I get to see Ang soon!
Also on Sunday night.

We played a baller show tonight!
It was somehow the best night of our tour so far.




Yeah.
I miss herrr.
<3

Tour

Is harder than I ever imagined. It involves working tirelessly, rushing, and pushing yourself beyond where you're comfortable. It involves making sacrifices and putting up with people and going out of your way to make things work.
It involves being away from people you love, and knowing how far away you are makes it that much harder.
It's unforgiving, and you need to take control in order to not get wrecked by the enormous weight it carries.

Thank god our parents are lifelines, but we're seven kids doing this the best we can, on our own, with our own money.
That is an amazing feeling.

I lost my favorite shirt.
Regardless,

Everything is going to be okay.

Why life is amazing.

I am in love.
I am going on tour tomorrow.
I am playing music I love for people I love.
I am largely responsible for where we are.
I am unsinkable.
I know what I am capable of,
And so does everyone who held us back before.

I can sing.

You are

A voice of reason
Kinda short
Quiet until someone knows you
Witty and sarcastic
Less likely to do stupid things like I do
The only one who can calm me down
Easily, the best thing that has happened to me in the past year.

Oh,
It is love...

I enjoy not having to play it for someone other than me for once.
Ang
:)

Subject Change

I feel like I need to diversify what I write about. I pick subjects always, and never events. Maybe something earth shattering will pop out at me. And that will be enough for me to jumpstart writing in a new direction.

It also has something to do with the fact that I usually write to people with something I really need to say. Right now everybody knows where I stand with them.
Actually, ALMOST everybody.

Maybe I'll write on that.

I feel as if I'm slowly putting together an intricate puzzle. Each piece comes very slowly, and requires huge effort to add to the whole. I have no idea when it will be complete, but I want more pieces.

Don't worry, I won't cover my entire body in tattoos.
I want the robot being driven, fixed, by the little dude.
That would be the next logical piece.

Thinking thinking thinking...
:)

Finished

The chest piece is complete. My whole body hurts, and it was totally worth it. I can't believe I have it, and I continue looking down and second guessing its existence. I just love that it's part of me forever now.

It makes me contemplate continuity and how it applies to all of us.
Especially in love.
Short post, peace.

Leftovers

My sternum and collarbone fucking hurt. I'm finally lined for the tattoo I talked about forever ago. I actually look forward to this pain - getting this sort of PERMANENT work done is such a huge deal that I want to feel like I've earned it. It's slightly masochistic, but it makes me realize what I'm doing and how bad I want to be there.
When it hurts the most is the best part, ironically. When the tattoo gun hits a bone, your whole body starts to vibrate as the little needle pulls in and out and gets stuck for a moment in the bone. When it comes out, you're tattooed on the surface and on your bone as well.
When I die and all my flesh is gone, the parts that I worked the hardest for (not jumping or wincing or bitching out on) will be there, on my bones forever.

I want everything to mean something.
This sure as hell does.

What I can't do

-Stop an atom bomb from blowing up.
-Stop world hunger
-Start world peace
-Change the weather
-Kill weathermen when they're wrong

etc...

What I can do is be a small force in the lives of people I love. The important part is to be completely aware of just how big you really are - that way you know how to exert yourself to your fullest extent without suffering on your part. I can't change the world by myself - nobody can. I'm a voice when someone asks for advice, a set of arms when someone needs a hug, a volunteer when someone needs help.

I want to be there for everyone in my life. I only need to adequately gauge my footprint to see how big I actually am. Then I can start helping out.

Everything is going to be okay.

I can't tell...

...if anything is still okay, and if coming back this fall will be awful. I have no idea - though everything is fairly calm on the surface - what actually gets said and done when I'm not around. I'm just moving forward, and I can't tell if it'll be held against me by one person or the 35 or so I'll be sharing a place with soon.

I will quietly panic, and hope for the absolute best.
Listen to new Go Radio.

I know you're hurt from all the time you lost
and things we've erased.
You want to burn it all down,
But I'm just turning the page.
And when some time has passed
I'm sure that we'll be moving along.
Just know the time we spent is remembered, remembered.

Bits of broken glass muffin

So tonight was the first step in a new direction.
First show in the van, first time at tuscan, first time without...

It was weird for me, but this is like my job now and I do it proudly. There was some uneasiness in the air, but not enough to distract from the heat. I drank half a gallon of water today, and sweat it back out, and then some.

I realized today what a cool thing having your own microphone is. The gross thing is that you accumulate particles and saliva and shit from every show. The amazing thing is that you're creating a physical register of everywhere you've been and played. That mic is important to me. After just a few shows, I would rather use mine (even if it was all beat up) than a brand new one.

There's always a few kids we affect too. You can tell when they come in skeptical and leave with a distinct look. I don't care if it's disgust or awe, I'm just glad to have made a mark. I met at least ten people tonight that had never heard us - they all appreciated and enjoyed the set.

Maybe as much as I enjoyed playing it?
Hell no.

Last night...

We took the van out.
I spooned with a stuffed lobster.
I missed her.




Tonight!
Tuscan Ave Cafe.
One of my favorite venues ever - hoping for a celebratory turnout, and we went shopping before to get some new stuffffff.
Some debuts tonight, other stuff debuts on the 9th.

I feel inspired again.
I plan to write tonight.
While my friends get shitfaced.

I love line breaks.




...and sometimes, we coincide.

There is always a silver lining

In the gravest of situations, it's not impossible to see a glimmer of hope - especially if it's what you're looking for.

I decided I worry way too much about the bad things going on. This hits me every once in a while, and then I hit that realization that everything is pretty good overall. It affects my mood, and leaves me with a smile too well set to be removed from my face.

I'm done letting some people make me upset - a few are just fuck-ups, and for that you have to embrace them even more. I smiled at the two people I like the least over the last few days. They hate to see me doing well, since they don't like me much either, and I could not give a damn.

I want to be more like a tree in the wind and less like a boxer. I want to let blows glance off of me and I'd like to divert their energy in another direction, instead of striking back. Not just striking back, but striking with the purpose of defeating the striker.

I've played the boxer a few times, and it just fuels the fire. I can't wait to see how these people react when I refuse to push back. I feel like it might make at least one of them even more upset, which is more than a bit humorous to me.

Last thought,
I hope that I don't sound like I'm full of hot air and bullshit in here.
It's my train of thought spilling out over my keyboard, written the best way I know how.

For once...

I am out of words. Two of the most important people in my life had harder days than I could even relate to. One I couldn't even address, the other I promised I would try to help out.
There's this unmistakable line between what should be said and what we can only think about saying. The problem is that this line is almost impossible to find until you stumble over it onto the wrong side. It doesn't even apply to just the situation at hand - there's things I want to say, but I'm not sure if it would make the situation even harder or not.

This only applies to one of the situations:
There's this moment where the appropriate use of power is not easily identifiable, and I'm at it now. Part of me has the weight to force consistency and ignore the input of other people. I could pull that card, but it's not my place because of politics and democracy.
It felt like someone shot the messenger.

I just want to hug both of them. To one I'd apologize that I couldn't do more. The other I would just hold as tightly as possible, and hope the meaning is transferred. This is a self-testing of how much someone can say, without saying anything at all.

I've been sick to my stomach all day for both parties.
I love you both.

Reflect, project, deflect.

So between Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and this morning, I've had one of the best weeks in recent memory.

Amazing nights are more than an oddity these days, and I live for them. They involve nothing more than a hand for my holding and a head on my chest. I find that I am almost incapable of slowing down even for just a minute, but when the above and aforementioned conditions are met the entire world stops. I stay in place, the most comfortable I've felt in over a year. There's a short routine that accompanies this occurrence, and I sleep like the earth itself.

I feel safe, and I feel like I'm keeping her safe too. It's a perfect fit and a physical harmony which can be achieved for a few short hours of rest. It's what I look forward to every week, a chance to let go and really appreciate what it means to be happy.

On the other side of this amazing week,
I lost more than sixty minutes of my life which I will never get back.
I will continue in my current state,
And most likely not make a conscientious effort to converse in a similar manner again.
It's one thing to mean something more than you say,
It's entirely different to speak meaningless words.

Saving a life

I came around the corner, and there he was.
Just fucking standing in the road.
I swerved slightly and narrowly missed him.
It was that raccoon's lucky day.

Things are good...
This week the CD got done.
I get to see the girl twice.
I got to see Deathcab for Cutie tonight.
I got to Philly and back on 30 bucks worth of gas.
I cut a total of 18 minutes off my estimated GPS arrival time.
I didn't get pulled over tonight.
I got a haircut and it feels crazy short.

Things that aren't so good...
I ate both Taco Bell and Qdoba today. (Urmph.)
One of my favorite shirts has bleach spots.



Considering the lists, I'd say I'm on top of things. I already got tired of the new CD and during the deathcab show I was preoccupied with figuring out the delay between seeing and hearing the music and musicians (sound moves at 343 m/s, light moves at 3.0x10^8 m/s) and thinking of new rhythms and quips for the next song I write.

For once, I feel large in the context of things occurring in my life. Usually I'm suffering from mild to moderate "Ant Syndrome", where my size in the universe is painfully apparent. Tonight, I couldn't give a shit about the universe. My matchstick-sized world (relatively speaking) is full of wonderful people and occurrences, and I am aware of the conscious contributions I make towards their lives and happenings. It could be like spotting somebody a dollar, or producing a song, or talking to this fucking annoying kid who keeps calling me. I can pick something out for everyone.

I feel like playing rampage. I'd be the big ass lizard guy who stomps on everything because he can. I would then rebuild it and repeat the process.

Things to do...
-Become a 30 ft tall lizard.
-Destroy San Antonio.
-Rebuild San Antonio.
-Figure out why I picked San Antonio in the first place.

I love making eye contact with strangers until they look away. It's really hard to keep your gaze, but extremely rewarding. The average person can't last more than three seconds in a stare.

Words for everyone

A big list in no particular importance of things I need to say to people who mostly don't read this thing.

-I know you want it, and I want you to have it, but he's working hard and that's what we were looking for.

-You're a whole different person than when I met you five years ago. I'm glad you met her, and I'm proud of you.

-You've always been good at what you do. You're a bit selfish, but it's in your personality. I love you regardless, and there's nobody I'd rather have be part of this.

-I'm afraid you're going to just disappear one day or become an alcoholic or something terrible like that. Everyone takes for granted what a huge part of everything you are, and you don't even realize it.

-You're such a fucking dork it kills me. I've known you forever, and you've always been that way. It works for you though, somehow, and I'm very glad we're friends.

-I miss being inseparable, and not by choice. School can't come fast enough, and I can't wait to be cramped up again.

-This whole post started because you don't have an honesty box or truth box on myspace or facebook. You're everything you don't see yourself as, and I'm intrigued by what you say and do. You need to learn an instrument so I can see what you're capable of without anybody else. I believe it's a lot.

-You're volatile, and I feel like I'll be saving your ass quite a bit this fall. I can't wait until we're on the roof and I'm holding you back from leaning too far from the edge.

-I love what you do - you've gotten a lot better, and I feel terrible whenever we don't go with something of yours. You're worth driving to go get, even if you don't say goodbye sometimes.

-You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You've been through hell and still go through plenty of shit on a daily basis, and it never slows you down. When I see you, I want to hold you as tight as I can until something absolutely must be done that can't be avoided. Interacting with you sometimes scares me to this day, because I'm always afraid I'll mess up the best thing in my life right now. I love you.


Too many words.
CD is still not done, I'm finishing it now.

Liner notes

I wrote our liner notes tonight, and decided to put one more track on the upcoming CD. This means I have more work to do tomorrow, but I'm really excited about it.
Who remembers "Your Best, Your Last"?

The realization hit that I should save stuff that we made (like our first CD) because if we get rid of it all, we won't have a master copy ever again. I ran to the merch box and stole out an EP and our sticker.

The concept of never again is hard for me to wrap my brain around. Once our EP is gone, it will share the quality of extinction with awesome things like dinosaurs and dodo birds.

I'm being over-dramatic, actually. I just hate letting go of the last anything, be it a cookie, idea, kiss, anything.

It's like saying goodbye and sending something on its way.

I hate goodbyes, which must by why some old tracks found their way onto the new CD.

If anybody reads this damn thing, they're probably sick of hearing about the fucking CD, and I'm getting tired of writing about it. I wonder what I'll be writing about when it's sent to presses and all done.

Probably about falling in love, the problems of distance and the cost of gas, and how I can't seem to give up my girl pants.

Stay tuned for girl pants.

Updates

Today was hotter than Satan's ass. My tattoo artist went on vacation, an hour before I got home. I have no new tattoo. We played North Caldwell Fireman's Hall tonight, and it was my first time there in two years.

I last played there with Walden, as a lead guitarist. I played tonight with The Title, as lead vocalist. It was weird thinking back on the music I've worked on in two years. I don't think I could ever call Walden's material "my music", though I wrote a good part of it. I feel like I can do that with The Title, and I'm really proud of how far everything has come. Unfortunately, we had a lowish turnout today - it was enough to make us want to promote things better for next time.

We're going very far away next weekend, and hopefully we'll get a good crowd response.
I think I'm done with the CD.
I just need to make the final files.

And sometimes, we coincide.

Experiment

I'm getting another tattoo today, and not telling my parents. I'm curious as to just how long I can go without them seeing it. They're cool about tattoos and stuff already, so I'm not worried about that - it's just a question how sneaky I am.

Day ONE.
No sign of Shark, the Houdini Goldfish. He may have disappeared for good.




Experiment is one of those words that looks wrong to me for some reason. I stare and stare and I can't make it seem correctly written to myself. It's like that riddle...

"What word in the English language is always pronounced incorrectly?"

"Incorrectly."





I'm thinking about putting a phrase along the line for the arm on my right side. I'd really like to put

"...and sometimes, we coincide."

It's about life in general, not anybody in particular, and it's made a lot of sense to me lately.

Yeah, I'll keep everyone posted about my tattoo. It's this.

I think I'm changing...

I listened to The Acacia Strain today.



I'm going to start making electronic metal shit in my free time.
Oh wait, I have none. I can't wait to get this CD done. Now that it has a deadline of early next week, I just want to get it out the door and pressed.
Blech.


One of my houdini goldfish died today.
If I'm lucky he'll be back in the tank in the morning, but I don't know how good those chances are. He got a traditional burial at sea/toilet. Joey and I said some final words for Shark.
He will be missed.

Shark and Larry were tankmates. Goldfish have five second memories. Larry's swimming around thinking, "Something is up. I don't know what it is, but something's just not right."

Everything would hurt less if we were goldfish. We'd forget bad things five seconds after we experienced them, and you could even put a hook behind our eyes and we'd be fine.

I'll take the memories since most of mine are worth keeping, in my opinion.
Especially lately.

I need to bury someone in mini-golf next week.
Time to step up my gameeee.

I spent...

An hour and a half working on a fifteen second clip of a song.
It's really fucking hard, and took that long for me to nail it.

I have accomplished something today.
If you're curious as to what it is,
Search Edison Glass - Cold Condition.
The intro is allllll tapping.



I love my life.
And that the CD is done with recording.
I'm mixing until god knows when tonight.
It will be totally finished.

On a sphere,

Any two objects traveling on non-parallel paths will eventually collide.

And sometimes, we coincide.

Jealousy

I talked about this with a friend today,

I'm not jealous of millionaires.
I'm not jealous of rock stars.
I'm not jealous of mad scientists.

I'm jealous of birds and fish.
I can't fly, and I can't swim to save my life.
I wish I could fly, so that I could get where I wanted and leave a situation whenever I pleased.
I wish I could swim, so that I wouldn't doggy paddle like an idiot in any body of water bigger than a toilet, and so that I could breathe underwater.

If you're lucky, you might grow up to be a millionaire or a rock star or a scientist (I want to be one, gimme a break), but you can't ever fly or swim underwater indefinitely without help.

That's why we have helicopters and airplanes and boats and submarines.
I'd rather be the machine than the person inside.
That way I'd be built for the things I couldn't do.

It would be nice to be that way, so that when people invented new versions of people parts, I could be upgraded and improved.

Then again, I could just strive to improve myself...

Yeah.

wrap around your finger
this moment,
'cause you'll miss her.
a second you remember
is all you have to spend here.

Footnotes, on top.

Last June I was miserable, broken up, and completely without direction.
It was the beginning of The Title EP.

This time around, I'm level-headed, happy, and in a wonderful relationship.
It's the culmination of Making A Scene.


The first CD was about regrets and falling out of love, and resisting the changes I was going through. It was a really hard time for me, and it didn't let go for quite a while. This time around, it's about moving on, taking a risk, and falling back into love. It's all around, and not really cohesive between every song, but it's all there.

"Find new hands to keep yours warm"
...
"I took a chance investing everything I had of me in you"
"You smiled... it was just enough for me to fall for you..."
"I want to write... I've gotta sound so sincere...you'll make your way here"
"If I were to ask, would you be willing?"
"Always thinking about you, the girl who makes me smile"
"I never thought I could... feel for anyone else"
"There is nothing I want except for me in your thoughts"

"That morning I woke up before one or both thought much too heavily about what it means to be happy."

June

It's June 1, 2008.
All I can do is reflect on how fast the last few months have gone. I feel like I could almost justify pinching my own cheeks and telling myself how much I've grown. Everything since winter break has been a blur, and when I look back at the time and the stuff I've done, it hits me.

I am happier than I've ever been.

I feel like my life is very much my own these days. I'm past the point where every kid thinks they can do it alone. I take help where it's offered, and when i need it. The rest I do for myself and it means me figuring things out along the way.

When living borders on being frightening or unpredictable, you're most likely to act in ways that surprise you and the people around you. It takes a bit of chaos to bring out the best in a lot of people. Unfortunately, it occasionally reveals darker bits of the person too.

I feel comfortable getting to that point, because I want everyone to know what I'm like when things really matter. I'd like people to know what I will think and do when everything means something.

That's been my pseudo-motto since last summer.
Apply it to life, and you'll find yourself caring more about everyone and everything in it.

It's more than a hand if it holding it touches more than your skin.

Falling Behind

So between the band, work, and plans, I've been totally out of commission with this thing for a few days.

I love reading a few other blogs. I come back once a day and catch up on everyone else, and sometimes it gives me the inspiration for my next one.

Sidenote : the word blog comes up as misspelled in the blog I'm writing.

Recording the next CD is pretty much done. We're shopping around for art, and hopefully submitting it to iTunes by Monday.

I really love our songs, but I'm feeling tired of lots of it already. Ironically, my favorite track that I wrote for the next release is our interlude. It's beautiful, in my opinion, and I feel like it really shows what I've learned since September.

That also helps me not feel discouraged - we've only been doing this since September, and it's come so far already. Tour needs to come fast, and save me from the Chatterbox.

I love voices, hearts, minds, and hands.

What's worth it?

working.writing.walking outside.being warm.
escaping cold.singing.playing.creating.being happy.
making someone else happy.staying awake.
falling asleep with someone.making the most of things.
finding the silver lining.kissing.hugging.loving.

living...

Is worth it.

Love your life and you'll find it loving you back.
Everything your parents told you is true,
It's just up for slight interpretation.

I found out on my own,
You can't pick when or who you love,
That's why you fall into it.


Even though love is the strongest word there is,
The feeling it carries is even more significant.
That's why it's so fucking important to feel it.
Say what you will, when you please, and when it's right.
The feeling is what matters.
And it's worth it.

Sleep is for the...

Me.

I hate living something I wrote.
Two shows, a practice, a late night adventure, an important meeting, dodging gang members in Poughkeepsie, and a double at work have started to take their toll.

I never go to sleep early, but tonight I am.

If I stay up I'll definitely be a zombie for my third shift in two days at work. One of my best friends quit tonight, which is super unfortunate, and is going to make work tough for a while.

Also, I had a backwoods Sussex County experience as per usual. Someone threw a dead raccoon on top of one of the cooks' cars during work today, and every fucking table full of Sussex County invertebrates cracked up for at least half an hour.

I have no attachment to this place anymore. It's the people I love, and the places I can't help but frequent.

The Picture

Credit Pat Capriglione

Facts

Some heavy discussion took place tonight, and it was very difficult for me. I spoke more than the others involved, most likely because I set direction for at least a few of them.

The truth always hurts, even if spoken nicely. I hate telling anybody any bad news, or asking a lot from people but sometimes it really needs to happen.

I took credit tonight where it was due, I also realized for myself how big a part of The Title I am. I really do like to think of it as an equal thing, but it probably can't be in its present form. It's hard finding that balance where you can steer things without being overpowering.



All that aside, we played The Chance tonight, and I got my favorite picture ever taken of The Title. We played the best sounding set ever, due to the amazing sound system inside the theatre, and I met some awesome kids in Left to Chance.

I've said, "your fucking best, your last" twice now, and I really like the feel it gives to the ending of the song, but it might be a bit over the top. Nobody sees it coming, because we pretty much ooze happiness.

My girlfriend stayed on the line of a friend's phone for the entire set, and sang along.
I need more words.

Tradeoffs

So we played Mainstage again tonight, and I decided it's my second favorite venue even though they always fuck things up during our set. We got shafted on time, and didn't even go on until about 10:15. When we did, I looked out to find our closest friends still there to see us. I love everyone who was there. Everyone who sang gets extra points in my book.

Musically speaking, my friends are amazing. Everyone has something to offer, and I force it out of them. One in particular is getting a bigger part next time.

I sang the best show of my life, to date, tonight. I jumped octaves and went higher than I ever have before. About 80% of us are really tight, and always play great. The rest is in serious need of work. It's a tradeoff for now, but really needs to be improved.

I sang mostly for someone who wasn't there, and a bit for someone who was.

Life is funny; it's impossible to predict anything at all.

a $100 guarantee may result in us making 80 bucks.
A brand new set may surprise everyone.
And people who really need to speak up
May not even show enough face to save themselves.




Distance is a bitch.

Hold Please

Holy fucking shit.
Apparently the hold music of choice for NJ DMV is super fast classical bullshit. Twenty minutes of that gets annoying to begin with. Now pump it through a cellphone speaker.

So that's a mini-rant.

We're playing Mainstage again tonight, and co-headlining. This is new and exciting, and it's one of our favorite places to play. It will be a super awesome show.

We have a van now. It's in my name, it's big and it's black. I just decided to name it Darrel. It's spelled like "DARE-AL" but pronounced "DAR-ELL"

I wish I was funny.
Tour is just around the corner and I can't wait.
I'm ready for realll summer.

JACK ROGERS

Careful, now...

There's certain people and things in my life that mean more than it would be logical to word.

I get super frustrated when I can't accurately communicate how I feel, or when I realize that my message may not even come across as I intended it.

Love is a funny thing. I have love for many people. I could tell all but a few of those people that I love them. The others fall into two groups, one group containing just one person. The first group would take my words in the wrong way, so I hold my tongue.










It's that last person I want to tell the most,

It's almost as if I'm holding a beautiful object which I'm deeply entwined with.
It's extremely strong, but for some reason it appears extremely fragile to me.
I safeguard it as if it were made of the thinnest and finest crystal one could create.
It causes me to worry way too much.

Word choice is an important performance.
When you screw up, everyone sees.

It's interesting that this is the most fatiguing part for me.
My friends argue with and exhaust the ones they love.
I can't get enough of her to even feel this way,
And wish I could say it.




You'll probably read this.
(laughs)

Updates

I have had a crazy few days. I am now settled in and blogging, because I find it therapeutic.

I hate that word, by the way.

I realized today that a problem is two sided in just about every case.
You can't have an issue that doesn't involve anything or anyone else, and if there were no burden to both sides, there'd be no problem in the first place. Both sides need to be at a disadvantage.

We could use as example, the case of a small company and a private debt.
Suppose a man receives a service or goods from the small company, and agrees to pay back the company in an agreed amount of time.
Suppose also that the man is unable to pay his debt by the time it's due.

After the time has passed, the small company attempts to collect the money; the company needs every cent to survive. The man cannot afford to pay, and thus both sides are at a disadvantage. It's more than the man in debt, it also involves the man or mechanism he's in debt to.

I don't even know why i went into that - I made it smaller so it could be skipped over.

I find no joy in random parties full of unknown people. I'd prefer to be sober and in small/good company, with people I love and/or respect.

I'm posting again after this one.
Ironically, if you start from the top,








You'll read this last.

Miracles

I had the scariest night of my life the other evening.
Someone I love very much was extremely sick and bounced back in the last second before needing real medical attention.
Besides that, my siblings and I specifically did what we said we weren't going to and my parents are none the wiser.

I also thought one of my fish got eaten by my sister's cat. There was certainly only one in the tank last night, so I took it all apart and looked for a fish.
I found no fish.
I look over two hours later and they're swimming together, Larry and Shark. I have Houdini Goldfish, and I'm going to start telling people that.

And less miracle but more astonishment,
It's already been three months.
:)

Little Things

...like a surprise visit made my night.
Tonight we played reasonably well despite some power issues. It was Stillwater Inn, so everybody had a great time.
I walked on Rich from DriveThru's back for like two hours. He had nothing but good stuff to say, and minimal criticism with that. I got two CDs and a shirt for free out of it, but I'm glad to have met the guy. He's had his hand in half the music I listened to growing up.



You came out of nowhere.
You're also the only person I would stay up this late for.
And you totally overdid the sugar.
<3

Artistic Conscience

I'm about 90% done with something I started writing today, and I'm worried. I feel like it's a beautiful piece, and among the best I've written. It's almost done, and I could totally just throw some other shit on top and call it finished. I could put crap words on the music and walk away, but this piece is refusing me the option.

It totally sounds crazy I'm sure, but I can't let it leave my hands unpolished and imperfect. I wrote it for someone. I always talk about how I don't really write for people but TO people instead, but this is almost like a musical representation of how I feel.

I have no name or words, but it's intensely personal already.
Staying up and working on it.

Everything looks perfect from here.

My world is small.

It contains an assortment of people, a couple of reoccurring thoughts, some speakers and some equipment.

I love everything in my life. The people are the best I know, the music is the best I can make, and I make it for the people who matter to me.

I contemplated getting in a car and driving to the city tonight.

I also just ate for the first time today, and I forgot how amazing food is when you can't force yourself to eat anything. Pizza Rolls for the win.

Final thought.
If normal people get butterflies in their stomach,
I have flamingos.
Because pink is cool.

I would

Like to be everywhere, all at once.
Due to certain limitations of space and time
I can't do this.

Bummer.

Otherwise, I would be all over tonight.
And nobody would be lonely or bored or sitting idle.


I need a new mantra
Everything's pretty good right now.
:-o

I am a derelict.

Today I delivered pizzas with BJ. I drank two energy drinks afterwards and was totally wired. I scarfed a bag of gummy bears almost single-handedly. I think if God eats sweets, he eats gummy bears.

HARIBO GOLD BEARS.

Afterwards we went to the Viaduct. I played with sound and throwing shit around and making echoes for a while. Afterwards we climbed in and around and such. I threw a small tree off the top to see how long it would take to hit the ground. Super dumb, and super satisfying. We later lit flares and threw them around inside. Right before leaving, we had a roman candle fight underneath the arch you climb into from the hill (if you've been there you know), and I narrowly missed being shot in the chest with one. Totally dumb, totally worth it. Lastly we went to A+P and acquired some Snapple which was just laying around on a pallet out in the open.

I am a derelict.

I want to record more.
Everything is going to be okay.

Catching Up 2

So Saturday night I went to White Castle and made friends with the lady working. She hooked us up and was super nice. The next group of people sucked and probably got spit in their sliders.

Sunday was mother's day. I gave my mom two candles that I originally bought With Angela as her Christmas present. The problem is that I'm a huge spaz and it took me until moving home to get those candles into her hands.

Afterwards, I recorded Dana and Jake Rogers (name drop!) until everyone was exhausted. Everything came out pretty well, but I think we're gonna redo everything later this week. I just love putting my touch on things, or bringing people into what I love. I made the music for a cover and worked with Jake on his part in a Title song.

Listen to Museums.
They're fucking awesome.

Everything is going to be okay.

Potential

The first thing my mom gave me before I left for school was the Dr. Seuss book Oh, The Places You'll Go! It's one of the simplest and blunt books about moving on that I've ever stumbled across. The last thing I put on my bookshelf at home today was that very book.

I spent two days packing my Jetta to full capacity, and then got everything home and ripped it all apart and unpacked immediately.

I have a lot of shit.

I threw out bags of crap and bagged a bunch of things for goodwill too, and I am now extremely happy with everything. I get huge anxiety right before switching places in any big way, and I needed to get everything out of boxes as soon as I got here. I obsessed over everything until it was all away, and it's now like I never left.

I have soo much musical equipment and so much room to show everything off - I just want to make stuff right now. My friend Dana is singing on a cover of "The Trophy Wife" by Park, and I made the music today. It felt amazing, and I feel like I can accomplish anything in here.

The next time I pick up the Dr. Seuss book, I'll be going on tour - I feel like it just needs to hang around now. It's a reminder of what can happen anywhere you are.

Theres a few wonderful people who help me do what I love, with only cursory knowledge of their deeds - if that much. Thank you.
You don't even know.

My advice for someone else,
Everything is going to be okay.

Catch Me (sorry for the rant)

So we played School of Rock the other night, and I was totally disappointed by the entire experience. Granted, my hopes were extremely high but a laundry list of shit went wrong. The promoter was a douche bag and hassled us all night. Our crowd was too late for us to sell them tickets, so on paper it looked like we brought almost nobody. It was the sound guy's first day and we were the first band. That's asking to get fucked over right there. After our set the promoter started moving our shit and hit me in the back of the head with my brother's drums. Lastly, everybody bailed and left me and two other people till the end of the show. Shitttty.

This is my last night in Hoboken, and I'm not comfortable with that. I should be excited to head back home, but I'm super far from it. I'll be closer to certain people who I miss and have missed extremely, and even farther from someone who lives a good distance from me. It also puts me pretty damn close to the only people in the world that I cannot stand.

I want to write and record and squeeze my thoughts into plastic discs to toss at people, because I'm tired of explaining the same damn thing to so many people.

Last thought - I'm going back to a job where 90% of people don't give a damn about anyone else, and my boss is already pissed at me for touring before I've even started.


The more that I stay
The more that I feel at home
It's like the closer that I get
The more that I feel alone
The place I grew up
Belongs to somebody else
This room I've come to love
Is where the safest I've felt



I still believe
Everything is going to be okay.

Dark Spots

So I'm rocking Crest Whitestrips (Classic) right now. My front tooth was fractured three or four times along the same line, and consequently was repaired in the same way. The glue or whatever the fuck they used eventually got worn away and left a dark spot on my front left tooth.

I was trying to bleach that spot to a lighter color, but ironically enough my teeth just got whiter around it, making it a more noticeable spot than it originally was. If one more person tells me I have food in my teeth I'm going to scream, unless of course I actually do.

Anyway...
We're playing at School of Rock tonight, and I'm super nervous. It's definitely my favorite venue, and to actually play at it seems crazy. The other bands are pretty tight too, but nobody I'm super into. Hopefully they're absolutely amazing and they can convert me.

Freshman year is over, and I'm thinking about any figurative dark spots in my year. It's easier for me to see them now, since everything in life is going really well. It's just like the Whitestrips thing - by working on changing stuff and improving, it makes the spots apparent.

I wouldn't go back and un-break my tooth, and similarly I have no wish to undo any of the other things that "spotted" my year.

I need new music.

Everything is going to be okay.

Dedication

What does it really mean to dedicate something to someone? What's the significance of writing or creating something for someone else? It's why I'm a musician.

I find myself losing my grasp of our fine language whenever someone I really care about is the other half of my conversation. For whatever reason, I turn into a big mush of sentimental thoughts and pour Quikrete over my vocal chords. As a result, I get quiet while trying to force myself to be honest and not spaz out like I usually do.

Because I am a wuss. I am a huge wimp and, ironically enough, I can choke up while talking to one person. If there's a crowd of 300 people, that's fine, but anyone I care about can strip me of my defenses.

Consequently, I write songs which are not super deep, but are a completely accurate retelling of "what I meant to say when I stuttered, shut up, and smiled instead".

I'm going to write something new right now. Listen to PARK if you never have.

Everything is going to be okay.

Control

Even if you're responsible for every single choice you make, that's a ridiculously small proportion of things in life that you can really be in control of. Granted, the unpredictable nature of life and its events are what makes things exciting and worth doing, it's easier to deal with that fact when it's not in the front of your mind.

I cannot personally effect change in anything that I don't influence firsthand (which is not to say that a domino/ripple sort of thing can't happen), which puts me in an interesting place. If I try to influence more of my life, I'm responsible for a lot more things, good and bad. If I pull my arms in and just try not to "break anything", I risk missing out and also I risk becoming that guy who "just lets stuff happen".

I'd like to shift this balance towards the active side, but having this in my thoughts makes that difficult. I'm observant and I worry too much. Who would have known?

I feel like I'm most effective when I make music and share that with people. I just want to create a jillion things right now, in case I suddenly became unable to do this stuff.

Freshman year of college is over on Thursday.
What the fuck?

I want everything to mean something.

Bamboozle Day 2

I got to see everyone I missed yesterday. :-D

Fall of Troy destroyed me, as usual. Four Year Strong was a minor disappointment. The Secret Handshake did very well but he totally played a less awesome set than he could have.

I saw some super stupid people. I didn't know most of them, but I was acquainted with a few. Also, fuck Jeffree Star. I'm dying to know what's going to happen to him when Myspace goes the way of the dinosaurs, or when his current fanbase hits 17. People in banana suits get mad respect from me.

I found that I really enjoy sitting in circles with friends when we can't figure out what to do. I also found out that staying afloat in a whirling crowd is much harder when you're looking out for more people than yourself.

This was totally not BamBrozle like we envisioned we'd repeat, but overall it was an excellent year. I met some super cool people and strengthened ties with a friend or two.

I love my super short red track shorts. I need to find more excuses to wear them.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

Bamboozle Day 1

Chiodos was baller, Drop Dead Gorgeous was amazing, Maylene was ridiculous.
Breathe Carolina was ehh. I really wanted to be blown away by their performance. As makeshift role models of mine for the genre, I expected the world. It was more like a shitty set from The Secret Handshake (who really does put on a great show).

I met some amazing new people today, but I didn't see everyone I wanted to see. I saw some people I could give a shit less about, but I missed one or two good ones. FIND ME.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

I technically missed a day.

So sue me. In a few hours, I will get up at seven, eat oatmeal, take a final (which will be hard as balls), and get my shit together to head to Bamboozle. I've been waiting forever for this event, but I'm not even super duper excited about the bands.
I want to see people.

And fuck, I want to stay dry. I'm hoping for clouds so I don't turn purple from sunburn, and no rain so I don't end up driving a car full of people that smell like wet dogs. Either way it will be fun - I want to pick up some new shirts and hopefully some sampler CDs with new music. I live for samplers.

I studied from 2 until 11 today. I'm actually starting to enjoy directional derivatives and lagrange multipliers, so I need to get the fuck away from text books. If I don't ace this thing tomorrow, I'm going to take yoga until I can kick myself in the face, and then do so.

Wish me luck.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

Time

So somebody asked me what happened to April, and I had no idea myself. I love that all my friends in high school just got back from spring break, while I'm in finals already. This weekend is Bamboozle, and I can't fucking wait. We had the chance to play it and didn't get it this year, but I'll be sure to check out VAH if I get there by the time they're playing. Also I have The Thief's song stuck in my head. I don't even know which one it is, which is why that's maddening. I think they're playing too.

I love clean laundry. None of my laundry is clean, but I'll have to do it at some point today. My only motivation to do so is how good everything will smell once it's done. Also, I'm on my last pair of clean underwear. Necessity, people.

Wish me luck. Hopefully I won't turn any white stuff pink.
Also, check out Jacek Yerka. He's a surrealist from Poland or something, and his art is amazing. My favorite is "Creating the Water".

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

Progress

I'm about to start studying for an 11AM final later today, for my miserable philosophy class. I also just finished up a new recording of vocals for Oceans, which will be back up on our site in a sampler very soon. I think I'll do Ever So Slightly tomorrow, actually. There's a lot of songs nobody's heard yet and Ever So Slightly is one of those (HINT HINT - It plays in the background of Q+A 2).

I love that my friends sing on a lot of the new songs - Jake Rogers is in that one. Joey Oldock sings in two other ones, and Dana Rogers is probably going to sing on a final version of Untitled 2 on my personal page.

We named the album and the tour today, officially.
The next CD will be called "Making a Scene"
The tour will be called the "What? NOTHING! Tour"
If you get the joke, I know you personally.

3/3 so far. I'm doing pretty well on this blog thing.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

Specificity

So my first year of college is over.

Holy shit.

I had the worst teacher ever for philosophy. We get to assess our courses for the year and I just shot her down using specific things that she sucked at. I also realized that I spend a LOT of time writing things I care about. The thing yesterday took like an hour. This assessment took well over an hour.
So again, specificity. To elaborate on yesterday, here's some specifics.

Right Now is the exception song.
Your Best Your Last is not specific.
The left-over song was written later, and will be obvious on the next CD.

I'm resisting the urge to post like five things a day, which is fine because it lets me keep putting stuff up and not run out.

So far so good on keeping up.
Check back.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick

First post!

I think all of the time, but I never write anything down unless it turns into a song. This is a change I thought a lot about making, and I'll see if I keep up with it.

Today,
Evan and I faxed out some documents to get our songs played on TV. I'm having a hard time dealing with everything going on, because it doesn't make any sense to me. I've been playing music for six years now, and it's blown up in just the last eight months.
It's super flattering when people know words or reference the music I make, but I still haven't figured out exactly how to react. I think i find it confusing because just about every word I write relates directly to me and my life, but people relate in totally different ways than I anticipated.

So besides that, let's talk subject matter. Almost all of my songs are about somebody. The last CD is primarily on one subject (the sadder songs) with one exception. The new stuff is almost all about the amazing girl I'm with. One song is a left-over and relates back to the first person, and then there's issues with a song which is unspecific. I always need to be super careful and let everyone know what stuff is about so that nobody worries or gets the wrong idea.
The next CD comes out in July, but I'm dying to release it so that people can hear my new take on things. Life is so different than six months ago that the first release means almost nothing to me. Playing is about the moment, and not the song, so I love it for the time and place.

Forgive me; I wrote a small book. I want to show everyone what this stuff means to me now. If you're interested, check back every few days. I'll try and stay on top of this as much as possible.

I want everything to mean something.
Nick