Control

Even if you're responsible for every single choice you make, that's a ridiculously small proportion of things in life that you can really be in control of. Granted, the unpredictable nature of life and its events are what makes things exciting and worth doing, it's easier to deal with that fact when it's not in the front of your mind.

I cannot personally effect change in anything that I don't influence firsthand (which is not to say that a domino/ripple sort of thing can't happen), which puts me in an interesting place. If I try to influence more of my life, I'm responsible for a lot more things, good and bad. If I pull my arms in and just try not to "break anything", I risk missing out and also I risk becoming that guy who "just lets stuff happen".

I'd like to shift this balance towards the active side, but having this in my thoughts makes that difficult. I'm observant and I worry too much. Who would have known?

I feel like I'm most effective when I make music and share that with people. I just want to create a jillion things right now, in case I suddenly became unable to do this stuff.

Freshman year of college is over on Thursday.
What the fuck?

I want everything to mean something.