I feel as if I'm slowly putting together an intricate puzzle. Each piece comes very slowly, and requires huge effort to add to the whole. I have no idea when it will be complete, but I want more pieces.

Don't worry, I won't cover my entire body in tattoos.
I want the robot being driven, fixed, by the little dude.
That would be the next logical piece.

Thinking thinking thinking...
:)

Finished

The chest piece is complete. My whole body hurts, and it was totally worth it. I can't believe I have it, and I continue looking down and second guessing its existence. I just love that it's part of me forever now.

It makes me contemplate continuity and how it applies to all of us.
Especially in love.
Short post, peace.

Leftovers

My sternum and collarbone fucking hurt. I'm finally lined for the tattoo I talked about forever ago. I actually look forward to this pain - getting this sort of PERMANENT work done is such a huge deal that I want to feel like I've earned it. It's slightly masochistic, but it makes me realize what I'm doing and how bad I want to be there.
When it hurts the most is the best part, ironically. When the tattoo gun hits a bone, your whole body starts to vibrate as the little needle pulls in and out and gets stuck for a moment in the bone. When it comes out, you're tattooed on the surface and on your bone as well.
When I die and all my flesh is gone, the parts that I worked the hardest for (not jumping or wincing or bitching out on) will be there, on my bones forever.

I want everything to mean something.
This sure as hell does.

What I can't do

-Stop an atom bomb from blowing up.
-Stop world hunger
-Start world peace
-Change the weather
-Kill weathermen when they're wrong

etc...

What I can do is be a small force in the lives of people I love. The important part is to be completely aware of just how big you really are - that way you know how to exert yourself to your fullest extent without suffering on your part. I can't change the world by myself - nobody can. I'm a voice when someone asks for advice, a set of arms when someone needs a hug, a volunteer when someone needs help.

I want to be there for everyone in my life. I only need to adequately gauge my footprint to see how big I actually am. Then I can start helping out.

Everything is going to be okay.

I can't tell...

...if anything is still okay, and if coming back this fall will be awful. I have no idea - though everything is fairly calm on the surface - what actually gets said and done when I'm not around. I'm just moving forward, and I can't tell if it'll be held against me by one person or the 35 or so I'll be sharing a place with soon.

I will quietly panic, and hope for the absolute best.
Listen to new Go Radio.

I know you're hurt from all the time you lost
and things we've erased.
You want to burn it all down,
But I'm just turning the page.
And when some time has passed
I'm sure that we'll be moving along.
Just know the time we spent is remembered, remembered.

Bits of broken glass muffin

So tonight was the first step in a new direction.
First show in the van, first time at tuscan, first time without...

It was weird for me, but this is like my job now and I do it proudly. There was some uneasiness in the air, but not enough to distract from the heat. I drank half a gallon of water today, and sweat it back out, and then some.

I realized today what a cool thing having your own microphone is. The gross thing is that you accumulate particles and saliva and shit from every show. The amazing thing is that you're creating a physical register of everywhere you've been and played. That mic is important to me. After just a few shows, I would rather use mine (even if it was all beat up) than a brand new one.

There's always a few kids we affect too. You can tell when they come in skeptical and leave with a distinct look. I don't care if it's disgust or awe, I'm just glad to have made a mark. I met at least ten people tonight that had never heard us - they all appreciated and enjoyed the set.

Maybe as much as I enjoyed playing it?
Hell no.

Last night...

We took the van out.
I spooned with a stuffed lobster.
I missed her.




Tonight!
Tuscan Ave Cafe.
One of my favorite venues ever - hoping for a celebratory turnout, and we went shopping before to get some new stuffffff.
Some debuts tonight, other stuff debuts on the 9th.

I feel inspired again.
I plan to write tonight.
While my friends get shitfaced.

I love line breaks.




...and sometimes, we coincide.

There is always a silver lining

In the gravest of situations, it's not impossible to see a glimmer of hope - especially if it's what you're looking for.

I decided I worry way too much about the bad things going on. This hits me every once in a while, and then I hit that realization that everything is pretty good overall. It affects my mood, and leaves me with a smile too well set to be removed from my face.

I'm done letting some people make me upset - a few are just fuck-ups, and for that you have to embrace them even more. I smiled at the two people I like the least over the last few days. They hate to see me doing well, since they don't like me much either, and I could not give a damn.

I want to be more like a tree in the wind and less like a boxer. I want to let blows glance off of me and I'd like to divert their energy in another direction, instead of striking back. Not just striking back, but striking with the purpose of defeating the striker.

I've played the boxer a few times, and it just fuels the fire. I can't wait to see how these people react when I refuse to push back. I feel like it might make at least one of them even more upset, which is more than a bit humorous to me.

Last thought,
I hope that I don't sound like I'm full of hot air and bullshit in here.
It's my train of thought spilling out over my keyboard, written the best way I know how.

For once...

I am out of words. Two of the most important people in my life had harder days than I could even relate to. One I couldn't even address, the other I promised I would try to help out.
There's this unmistakable line between what should be said and what we can only think about saying. The problem is that this line is almost impossible to find until you stumble over it onto the wrong side. It doesn't even apply to just the situation at hand - there's things I want to say, but I'm not sure if it would make the situation even harder or not.

This only applies to one of the situations:
There's this moment where the appropriate use of power is not easily identifiable, and I'm at it now. Part of me has the weight to force consistency and ignore the input of other people. I could pull that card, but it's not my place because of politics and democracy.
It felt like someone shot the messenger.

I just want to hug both of them. To one I'd apologize that I couldn't do more. The other I would just hold as tightly as possible, and hope the meaning is transferred. This is a self-testing of how much someone can say, without saying anything at all.

I've been sick to my stomach all day for both parties.
I love you both.

Reflect, project, deflect.

So between Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and this morning, I've had one of the best weeks in recent memory.

Amazing nights are more than an oddity these days, and I live for them. They involve nothing more than a hand for my holding and a head on my chest. I find that I am almost incapable of slowing down even for just a minute, but when the above and aforementioned conditions are met the entire world stops. I stay in place, the most comfortable I've felt in over a year. There's a short routine that accompanies this occurrence, and I sleep like the earth itself.

I feel safe, and I feel like I'm keeping her safe too. It's a perfect fit and a physical harmony which can be achieved for a few short hours of rest. It's what I look forward to every week, a chance to let go and really appreciate what it means to be happy.

On the other side of this amazing week,
I lost more than sixty minutes of my life which I will never get back.
I will continue in my current state,
And most likely not make a conscientious effort to converse in a similar manner again.
It's one thing to mean something more than you say,
It's entirely different to speak meaningless words.

Saving a life

I came around the corner, and there he was.
Just fucking standing in the road.
I swerved slightly and narrowly missed him.
It was that raccoon's lucky day.

Things are good...
This week the CD got done.
I get to see the girl twice.
I got to see Deathcab for Cutie tonight.
I got to Philly and back on 30 bucks worth of gas.
I cut a total of 18 minutes off my estimated GPS arrival time.
I didn't get pulled over tonight.
I got a haircut and it feels crazy short.

Things that aren't so good...
I ate both Taco Bell and Qdoba today. (Urmph.)
One of my favorite shirts has bleach spots.



Considering the lists, I'd say I'm on top of things. I already got tired of the new CD and during the deathcab show I was preoccupied with figuring out the delay between seeing and hearing the music and musicians (sound moves at 343 m/s, light moves at 3.0x10^8 m/s) and thinking of new rhythms and quips for the next song I write.

For once, I feel large in the context of things occurring in my life. Usually I'm suffering from mild to moderate "Ant Syndrome", where my size in the universe is painfully apparent. Tonight, I couldn't give a shit about the universe. My matchstick-sized world (relatively speaking) is full of wonderful people and occurrences, and I am aware of the conscious contributions I make towards their lives and happenings. It could be like spotting somebody a dollar, or producing a song, or talking to this fucking annoying kid who keeps calling me. I can pick something out for everyone.

I feel like playing rampage. I'd be the big ass lizard guy who stomps on everything because he can. I would then rebuild it and repeat the process.

Things to do...
-Become a 30 ft tall lizard.
-Destroy San Antonio.
-Rebuild San Antonio.
-Figure out why I picked San Antonio in the first place.

I love making eye contact with strangers until they look away. It's really hard to keep your gaze, but extremely rewarding. The average person can't last more than three seconds in a stare.

Words for everyone

A big list in no particular importance of things I need to say to people who mostly don't read this thing.

-I know you want it, and I want you to have it, but he's working hard and that's what we were looking for.

-You're a whole different person than when I met you five years ago. I'm glad you met her, and I'm proud of you.

-You've always been good at what you do. You're a bit selfish, but it's in your personality. I love you regardless, and there's nobody I'd rather have be part of this.

-I'm afraid you're going to just disappear one day or become an alcoholic or something terrible like that. Everyone takes for granted what a huge part of everything you are, and you don't even realize it.

-You're such a fucking dork it kills me. I've known you forever, and you've always been that way. It works for you though, somehow, and I'm very glad we're friends.

-I miss being inseparable, and not by choice. School can't come fast enough, and I can't wait to be cramped up again.

-This whole post started because you don't have an honesty box or truth box on myspace or facebook. You're everything you don't see yourself as, and I'm intrigued by what you say and do. You need to learn an instrument so I can see what you're capable of without anybody else. I believe it's a lot.

-You're volatile, and I feel like I'll be saving your ass quite a bit this fall. I can't wait until we're on the roof and I'm holding you back from leaning too far from the edge.

-I love what you do - you've gotten a lot better, and I feel terrible whenever we don't go with something of yours. You're worth driving to go get, even if you don't say goodbye sometimes.

-You're the most amazing person I've ever met. You've been through hell and still go through plenty of shit on a daily basis, and it never slows you down. When I see you, I want to hold you as tight as I can until something absolutely must be done that can't be avoided. Interacting with you sometimes scares me to this day, because I'm always afraid I'll mess up the best thing in my life right now. I love you.


Too many words.
CD is still not done, I'm finishing it now.

Liner notes

I wrote our liner notes tonight, and decided to put one more track on the upcoming CD. This means I have more work to do tomorrow, but I'm really excited about it.
Who remembers "Your Best, Your Last"?

The realization hit that I should save stuff that we made (like our first CD) because if we get rid of it all, we won't have a master copy ever again. I ran to the merch box and stole out an EP and our sticker.

The concept of never again is hard for me to wrap my brain around. Once our EP is gone, it will share the quality of extinction with awesome things like dinosaurs and dodo birds.

I'm being over-dramatic, actually. I just hate letting go of the last anything, be it a cookie, idea, kiss, anything.

It's like saying goodbye and sending something on its way.

I hate goodbyes, which must by why some old tracks found their way onto the new CD.

If anybody reads this damn thing, they're probably sick of hearing about the fucking CD, and I'm getting tired of writing about it. I wonder what I'll be writing about when it's sent to presses and all done.

Probably about falling in love, the problems of distance and the cost of gas, and how I can't seem to give up my girl pants.

Stay tuned for girl pants.

Updates

Today was hotter than Satan's ass. My tattoo artist went on vacation, an hour before I got home. I have no new tattoo. We played North Caldwell Fireman's Hall tonight, and it was my first time there in two years.

I last played there with Walden, as a lead guitarist. I played tonight with The Title, as lead vocalist. It was weird thinking back on the music I've worked on in two years. I don't think I could ever call Walden's material "my music", though I wrote a good part of it. I feel like I can do that with The Title, and I'm really proud of how far everything has come. Unfortunately, we had a lowish turnout today - it was enough to make us want to promote things better for next time.

We're going very far away next weekend, and hopefully we'll get a good crowd response.
I think I'm done with the CD.
I just need to make the final files.

And sometimes, we coincide.

Experiment

I'm getting another tattoo today, and not telling my parents. I'm curious as to just how long I can go without them seeing it. They're cool about tattoos and stuff already, so I'm not worried about that - it's just a question how sneaky I am.

Day ONE.
No sign of Shark, the Houdini Goldfish. He may have disappeared for good.




Experiment is one of those words that looks wrong to me for some reason. I stare and stare and I can't make it seem correctly written to myself. It's like that riddle...

"What word in the English language is always pronounced incorrectly?"

"Incorrectly."





I'm thinking about putting a phrase along the line for the arm on my right side. I'd really like to put

"...and sometimes, we coincide."

It's about life in general, not anybody in particular, and it's made a lot of sense to me lately.

Yeah, I'll keep everyone posted about my tattoo. It's this.

I think I'm changing...

I listened to The Acacia Strain today.



I'm going to start making electronic metal shit in my free time.
Oh wait, I have none. I can't wait to get this CD done. Now that it has a deadline of early next week, I just want to get it out the door and pressed.
Blech.


One of my houdini goldfish died today.
If I'm lucky he'll be back in the tank in the morning, but I don't know how good those chances are. He got a traditional burial at sea/toilet. Joey and I said some final words for Shark.
He will be missed.

Shark and Larry were tankmates. Goldfish have five second memories. Larry's swimming around thinking, "Something is up. I don't know what it is, but something's just not right."

Everything would hurt less if we were goldfish. We'd forget bad things five seconds after we experienced them, and you could even put a hook behind our eyes and we'd be fine.

I'll take the memories since most of mine are worth keeping, in my opinion.
Especially lately.

I need to bury someone in mini-golf next week.
Time to step up my gameeee.

I spent...

An hour and a half working on a fifteen second clip of a song.
It's really fucking hard, and took that long for me to nail it.

I have accomplished something today.
If you're curious as to what it is,
Search Edison Glass - Cold Condition.
The intro is allllll tapping.



I love my life.
And that the CD is done with recording.
I'm mixing until god knows when tonight.
It will be totally finished.

On a sphere,

Any two objects traveling on non-parallel paths will eventually collide.

And sometimes, we coincide.

Jealousy

I talked about this with a friend today,

I'm not jealous of millionaires.
I'm not jealous of rock stars.
I'm not jealous of mad scientists.

I'm jealous of birds and fish.
I can't fly, and I can't swim to save my life.
I wish I could fly, so that I could get where I wanted and leave a situation whenever I pleased.
I wish I could swim, so that I wouldn't doggy paddle like an idiot in any body of water bigger than a toilet, and so that I could breathe underwater.

If you're lucky, you might grow up to be a millionaire or a rock star or a scientist (I want to be one, gimme a break), but you can't ever fly or swim underwater indefinitely without help.

That's why we have helicopters and airplanes and boats and submarines.
I'd rather be the machine than the person inside.
That way I'd be built for the things I couldn't do.

It would be nice to be that way, so that when people invented new versions of people parts, I could be upgraded and improved.

Then again, I could just strive to improve myself...

Yeah.

wrap around your finger
this moment,
'cause you'll miss her.
a second you remember
is all you have to spend here.

Footnotes, on top.

Last June I was miserable, broken up, and completely without direction.
It was the beginning of The Title EP.

This time around, I'm level-headed, happy, and in a wonderful relationship.
It's the culmination of Making A Scene.


The first CD was about regrets and falling out of love, and resisting the changes I was going through. It was a really hard time for me, and it didn't let go for quite a while. This time around, it's about moving on, taking a risk, and falling back into love. It's all around, and not really cohesive between every song, but it's all there.

"Find new hands to keep yours warm"
...
"I took a chance investing everything I had of me in you"
"You smiled... it was just enough for me to fall for you..."
"I want to write... I've gotta sound so sincere...you'll make your way here"
"If I were to ask, would you be willing?"
"Always thinking about you, the girl who makes me smile"
"I never thought I could... feel for anyone else"
"There is nothing I want except for me in your thoughts"

"That morning I woke up before one or both thought much too heavily about what it means to be happy."

June

It's June 1, 2008.
All I can do is reflect on how fast the last few months have gone. I feel like I could almost justify pinching my own cheeks and telling myself how much I've grown. Everything since winter break has been a blur, and when I look back at the time and the stuff I've done, it hits me.

I am happier than I've ever been.

I feel like my life is very much my own these days. I'm past the point where every kid thinks they can do it alone. I take help where it's offered, and when i need it. The rest I do for myself and it means me figuring things out along the way.

When living borders on being frightening or unpredictable, you're most likely to act in ways that surprise you and the people around you. It takes a bit of chaos to bring out the best in a lot of people. Unfortunately, it occasionally reveals darker bits of the person too.

I feel comfortable getting to that point, because I want everyone to know what I'm like when things really matter. I'd like people to know what I will think and do when everything means something.

That's been my pseudo-motto since last summer.
Apply it to life, and you'll find yourself caring more about everyone and everything in it.